Friday, January 11, 2013

Just spitballing here...

I think I could make obscene amounts of money if I produced a sitcom called "Fecal matters." I realize it's unlikely to succeed, based on the fact that I don't know what it would be about, and so far the only joke to go off of is the show's charming, nostalgia-inducing, reference to the 1990's. However, I think bathroom humor in television deserves a reprisal.

Monday, November 21, 2011

Maximus cellulus tossulus: Russel Crowe's untold story from the set of "Gladiator"

Russell wiped a bit of fake blood from the corner of his mouth. Sweat pouring down his brow, he glared at the man opposing him. That amateur had ruined his finest scene for the last time. His teeth gnashed, his lazy eye listed a little more lazily to the right, and he swept up the set telephone into his hands. Throwing it with unbridled fury, he struck Jeremy, the actor set to play the enemy gladiator, square in the teeth. Mustering a victory cry, Russell executed his scripted line perfectly: "Are you not entertained??"

"Pucker up, buttercup"

Yesterday I had the unbearable desire for something sweet. I hadn't had time to go shopping over the weekend, and I was right in the middle of some Netflix time, so I ate a few more chewable vitamin C tablets.

Monday, October 10, 2011

Do not want.

Today I was reading in my textbook for school, which I have utter distain for. I realized how much I dislike this class and this book at the exact same time that I realized I needed to blow or pick my nose- there were no tissues nearby.

Monday, May 2, 2011

Happy dead-laden day

I really enjoy when, instead of feeding dangerous terrorists Doritos, we decide to send in a crap-load of Navy SEALS to light the place up and kill the smarmy terrorists. Go America.

designer sunglasses

Wednesday, April 13, 2011

The computer for Women

You may think that since I keep posting videos, my creative powers are dwindling and I'm simply using YouTube as a cop-out. You may think that, but you'd be wrong. Probably. Here's a video for you to watch while I don't think of witty things to write.

Thursday, March 24, 2011

How not to make bread

According to the 80's "a lot of brown bread is just white bread colored brown." This is the most epic bread-making experience the world has seen to date. Be warned: hair may self-perm after watching.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

Shepard Smith: News Anchor/Alien

After careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that Shepard Smith, Fox News Channel anchor, is, in fact, an alien. Why do you ask? That's a perfectly valid question, Jeremy. Most notable, of course, is the fact that his eyes have drifted apart over the years, and continue to do so exponentially. I call this "The Uma Thurman Effect." Also, his hairline. Sometimes he's a spry, 28 year-old anchor, ready to grab the news by the horns. Other times, he's a haggard, 47 year-old who looks like he's reported one too many stories. Just wait for the day when he bursts out of his human skin, mandibles twitching, and spews poisonous bile all over his camera crew. You can just email the "You were right, Christian" notes to me. That would be just fine.

Monday, January 31, 2011

What I think frozen dinner packaging should look like...

Bump-it? What the shell, Leo?

When I see a girl like this, I don't think "Hey, it's one of those new hair accessories, the Bump-it! What a great way to give volume to one's hair and be pretty and stuff!" No, I don't think that. What I do think is "Hey, I wonder if that girl knows that she has a goiter on the top of her head, and that it's probably filling with more fluid every day, thereby inflating the size of her head. Maybe she should cover it with more hair? Yeah, that'll conceal it more.

Oh, and sorry if this girl is you. If it is, you should probably be draining that thing with a syringe or something right now, shouldn't you?

Monday, January 24, 2011

Brew Harrysnore

Many of you think Drew Barrymore is attractive. You'd be wrong though; she's totally not. In fact, her face looks like the face of a Barbie doll that Kevin, from shop class, took a hot soldering iron to. I'm pretty sure her witch chin could impale a wild boar. Luckily for her, she can eat that boar simply by using her (no doubt) hidden mandibles and shoveling it in. (Think predator.)

**Note** It has been mentioned that I omitted the highly obnoxious manner in which Drew Barrymore speaks. If you haven't seen it, just picture that someone has latched a fishing hook onto the lower corner of her lip and continues to tug it whenever she talks. By age 50, you can expect a full-on Sylvester Stallone.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

New Idea

The Wii is a great thing. Great product, great fun, great ad campaign. So why not add to the impressive repertoire of accessories for the Wii? With such titles as "Wii Play," and "Wii Fit," why not make a two-seater toilet and call it "Wii S***." I know you many of you disapprove, but deep down in your Wii hearts, you think it's just a little bit funny.

Also, I found out someone else on the internets beat me to this idea. So, apparently there is a lot of demand for this peripheral in the market.

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just an update for you...

Just so you know, a new bus smell is NOT the same as a new car smell. It makes my stomach want to implode.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Loading...Loading....Wait for it....

My Wife says that my brain runs on dial-up. Asking me a question is like submitting your query, then waiting an absurd amount of time for a response. Maybe she's right, and maybe it's my passive aggressive ploy to convince her that we need to buy an external hard drive. Relevant to this post? Absolutely not. Something I want? Shell yes, Leo.

Sunday, October 31, 2010

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Catalog Brain Lint

Today I have a real gem. This is the kind of crap you can, apparently, find in a "Plus size living" Magazine. So be prepared... Do you ever find yourself too fat to pull your own pants up? Have you ever been in a situation where you just can't reach down and dress yourself? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, this product may be for you.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

That's the sound of crickets, see.

A good way to insult someone without him knowing it, would be to talk him up for 6 months, or so, and make him think he's a pretty funny guy. You laugh at all of his jokes, but really, all along, you are plotting. Then what you do is get him a gig at a stand up place, and pay the entire audience not to laugh at anything he says. You will want to make sure that you are a person who has a lot of money; If you're not, this plan may not work for you. During his show, he'll probably be thinking he would rather take a dirt nap than face these people, and you'll be up in the opera box enjoying your Jujyfruits.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Accio Brain Lint!

I was taking my end-of-chapter test in my textbook today, when I noticed that someone had written the answers in already. To me, this was a lot like "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." Except in that book, all the answers were perfectly correct, and, according to the test results, whoever wrote in mine was a complete tard.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sam's Club

Samantha says that I'm like a tornado, because I come in and disrupt when she is trying to do homework. But I disagree. I don't think that going in there, pretending like I'm a mime, and trying to search out her candy stash, isn't anything like a tornado.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Socks to be me

I always tell Samantha that the socks she wears are for babies. She always thinks I'm full of crap. Today I'll demonstrate that the size of her socks is significantly smaller than mine. See that? Baby socks. And yes, I really did put socks into the scanner.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Common Sense, and Sensibility

Today, Sam told me that I sometimes have a lack of common sense. I sputtered off in a rant of objection. However, the whole time, I couldn't help but remember how I frequently put the cereal in the refrigerator, and the milk in the cupboard.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Brain lint 8/24/10

When I want to feel like I've won something, I like to put a 20 into the vending machine at work. Sure, everyone in the break room looks at me while the quarters fly, but deep down, they just want to be winners, too. So I just let them look.

Note: This is the top most satisfying thing I do at work, next to using the COPY stamp, and pressing the START button on the fax machine.

The doctors will say it's a "Curious Case."

I have come to the conclusion, that when I check out, my death will be sure to arouse suspicion and intrigue. I have also come to the conclusion, that the medical staff who performs my autopsy will find that the cause of my death could very well be attributed to the 3 hour sitting in which I watched Benjamin Button. I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure there's a smooth spot in my brain where there should be "smart" wrinkles. I could be wrong about all of this, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Brain lint - 8/3/10

I realized how tired I was today when I got home, and attempted to open my front door with the remote control to my car. *facepalm*

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Brain Lint-Habits

I believe in using the knife I cut cheese with to also apply mayo and mustard to my sandwich. I also believe in never dirtying more knives than I'm willing to clean later on.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Brain Lint- Celebrity American Idol

I think it would be a good idea to have celebrities try out for American Idol. I sure would like to see Stephen Hawking roll* in and have Simon tell him he's "a bit pitchy."

*Pun intended

"Not to fifty!"

I bought a new xbox, which is good, because whenever I used to put a disc in my old xbox, it sounded like the dude in princess bride, when they hooked him up to the torture machine.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Brain lint 7/6/10 -A good job interview question to ask a potential employee

You come upon a clown, who is sad. He has pie strewn across his face. Clearly, he has been the butt of what has long since been his own joke, played on unsuspecting circus-goers. Do you,
A: Console him by singing a clown-lullaby
B: Laugh, as most people surely would, at the sheer irony of it all, or
C: offer a novelty clown-handkerchief, to the clown, who begins to wipe the pie remains off his face, only to reveal that it is a gag handkerchief, and squirts ink, to your utter delight, and his dismay?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Brain lint 5/12/10

Today I was given a pack of "Trident Layers" gum. I realized after my third piece in three minutes that I should stay away from gum that tasty, as I am physically incapable of chewing that gum without completely eating it. My tummy hurts now.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Brain lint 5/11/10

Whenever I notice a dude strutting, I also notice the fact that a strut is kind of like a man just dancing by himself. Unless of course, that man has scoliosis.

Brain lint 5/11/10

Today, at work, I realized that my favorite part of the day is when I get to make a copy of something and stamp it with the copy stamp...that says "copy." ...It's really satisfying.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Brain lint 4/28/10

Today, I was watching the discovery channel on TV and wanted my wife to see, so I called her on the phone from the other room because she couldn't hear me yelling for her, and I didn't want to get up. Also, that wasn't the first time I've called her on the phone from the next room. Yes, seriously.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Brain lint 4/21/10

Today, at work, I spent a good ten minutes explaining to a customer what an apostrophe was, after they attempted describing to me what they thought was "An upside-down comma that you put on the top of the word." If people get any dumber, I may have to defect to another planet.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Brain lint 4/18/10

I noticed that whenever I have to go to to look up a word, I have to clear my browsing history. If someone saw all those cookies of words I have looked up, they'd think I'm pretty freaking stupid. Of course I know what ubiquitous means...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Brain lint 3/26/10

When I was going to grade school, I had two types of friends: school friends, and take home friends. It's pretty self explanatory, because the school friends just weren't the kind I wanted to take home.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Chinese food

A few years ago, Sam and I were ordering Chinese food, and when they asked what name to put it under, she told them Loveless. (We weren't yet married at the time) When we came to pick up the food, we told them the them it was under, and the Chinese man behind the counter got a really confused look on his face, and said "Ruvress? Why... you... cohw yoursef... Ruvress? Nobody rike you?"

Monday, March 8, 2010

Retro brain lint 3/8/10

One time, when we were kids, we were watching the movie "Twister." During one scene, you see some cows get swept up by the tornado. Spenny freaked out, and when we started to make fun he exclaimed, with much angst, "I CARE ABOUT THE WORLD!!!" We've since added that to the list of Spenny's classic one-liners. He really did go through an animal stage, as evident by his "Lion King" action figures. I love the 90's.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Brain lint 2/23/10

Whenever someone is sitting on a bean bag, and that person holds out his or her hands for you to pull them up, something I really enjoy doing is pulling that person up until, at the last moment, I let go. It makes me feel a lot like Scar, from The Lion King. Except, instead of falling to his or her death, the person just falls back into the soft, plush, bag of manufactured beans. So really, it's a win-win situation that everyone gets a laugh out of. Unless that person had an injured back, in which case, I don't care because you shouldn't have sat in the bean bag with a sore back, anyway, jerk.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Brain lint of the day 2/10/10

I think that if a clown were ever forced into going in for a financial counseling session, it would play out something like this:

(Financial counseler is to be represented as FC, and clown as C)

FC: "So according to your financial statement, you spend over 500 dollars a month on balloons."

C: "Yes."

FC: "You cite those purchases as business expenses. Am I to understand these balloons are part of your act, therefore a necessary expenditure for your source of income?"

C: "Yes."

FC: "Well here's my concern: It states here, you make these large purchases on balloons, but with every paycheck you earn- now correct me if I'm wrong- you buy...more balloons."

C: "That's right."

FC: "Wouldn't the appropriate thing be to allocate that income to, say, bills, and other cost-of-living expenses?"

C: "But I'm a clown."

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Brain lint of the day 2/6/10

Grocery shopping on Super Bowl weekend always reminds me why people, in general, really annoy me. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the people who butt in line. It could be the moron's who can't count (or just think their time is more valuable than mine) who bring a shopping cart, full enough to feed the survivors of the apocalypse, into the "10 items or less" lane. Or perhaps it's the guy who refuses to have his groceries bagged in anything but his homemade, canvas, recyclable "totes," holding up the line, because he thinks he's Captain Planet.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Brain lint of the day 2/3/10

I hate when someone tries to cough into his or her hand, but rather than making the cupping formation as with the sneeze, they think that making a fist and aiming the cough in the middle of that shape somehow solves the problem. What is that? What are they even doing?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Brain lint of the day

Some people's names make me think of very specific things. For instance, if your name is Ian, I'm thinking of a rusty, blue dragon. Just a compliment for you, there.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

From the mixed up files of Mr. Tyler S. Nelson

I received this email from my Brother, Tyler. It is of the caliber of pure awesomeness, and, I had to share:



I just got back from shopping at Reams and Val forgot something so James and I were waiting at the front of the store. This down syndrome handicapped guy who was collecting carts comes up to us and starts talking to us and asked what we were doing:

Me: We're waiting for my wife
DSG(Down Syndrome Guy): Oh, waiting huh
Me: Yep, just waiting for her to get something we forgot.
DSG: Maybe she's not coming, maybe I ate her...(grabbing his belly after pretending to eat something and making that sound toby used to make when he inhaled a piece of bread).
Me: Yep, maybe.
DSG: Oh, no, my belly is full, ug!, I'm so full, I'm going to throw up...Here I go, I'm puking up the bones...(makes puking noise)...Oh man, that's a fatality on Mortal Combat...
Me: Yup...

The End

"That just happened." No Lie.


Sunday, November 1, 2009

Brain lint 11/1/09

The Michelina's 99-cent microwave dinners must end. I have officially tried all of them. Most taste like a terrible crime was done to nature, then packaged in a little box, that smells like a baked rubber band when you heat it up. What food, other than this stuff, can you take a bite of and immediately regret your decision? As soon as you swallow it you think "That wasn't quite...right." Any of them containing meat, have offended me above all others. Especially the "science project" they call Swedish meatballs and noodles. Every time I go against my better judgment and eat one of these "lunch alternative" meals, I feel like I need to go to the hospital, or talk to a therapist, for putting something in my body, that nature never intended to be created. It must end. In fact, I have one left- their version of Salisbury steak, and I don't think I'll eat it. In fact, I don't think I would even feed it to a stray dog.

Friday, October 23, 2009

Brain lint of the day 10/23

Is it wrong that I wait until the last second to pull the stop cord on the bus, because someone else, who needs the same stop, is going to pull it first? I don't think so. No, It's efficiency. If I touch that pull cord I have to wash my hands, which wouldn't be good because I would have already ritually washed my hands before leaving work, which would just make my hands dryer, which would just lead to them cracking and bleeding. And I can't have that, now can I?

Also, I might get the *Honk-a-virus from touching that filthy pull-cord.

*Honk-a-virus: contracted when shopping at Honk's dollar store in Logan . "Always an adventure, always one dollar."

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Brain lint 9/24/09

-When I ride the bus to work, I usually put my earphones in when someone starts talking to me and look deeply into my ipod as if I'm real focused on something. Lots of times they keep talking, but I don't look at them. They're crazy bus people.

-I used to watch music and the spoken word with my brothers solely so we could point out all the "pig nose" people.

-Some people get what I call fat head syndrome. John Travolta, Val kilmer, and Kurt Russel: all of them, fatheads.

-I saw a man with a mullet today. I've seen better.

-If I were Batman, the first thing I'd do is prank call Superman and destroy him emotionally.

-Whenever there's a kid sitting in front of me at church, sometimes I like to make really intense faces at them. Sometimes they get scared and say something to their Mom. She usually turns around but I just look up like I was listening intently. Then the feud is forever between me and that kid.

-Whenever my Mom wanted me to do chores, and I was playing a game, I would always use the age-old trick of "having to find a save point." It worked.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Found this

Apparently, me and Spenny had a "club" journal.
Above is Spenny's submission. Ken was a cool name back then. Most likely because of Street Fighter.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

CLICK ON THE GRAPH BELOW. I made this graph. I'm sick of these movies.

9 year-old brain lint

Today, in church, one of the 9 year-old girls in our primary class randomly chimed in, that "Kindergartners have good facts." After inquiring further, she concluded, in a very matter-of-fact tone, that "They can't lie!" Apparently, the hierarchy of leadership between grades, in elementary school, has drastically changed since I was there.

Saturday, September 12, 2009

A great link

I love the internets. This is why:

From the journal: 10/16/2006

(From a text message to Sam)

Hi Samantha, guess what? In psychology today, we took an intelligence test, by drawing a picture of a human, and turning it in. We were graded on proportion, dimensional accuracy, and logic (joints and things like that). I failed the test, because I drew a skeleton in a tuxedo...But it's ok, he said that just means I'm creative. And not smart.

Friday, September 11, 2009

September brain lint

-Anytime I meet someone new, I'm so self-conscious and worried about if I look like a moron, that I completely and utterly block out when they tell me their name. It's gonna take a few more meetings to remember who you are. Sorry, blank-face.

-Whenever I'm driving in the car alone, singing along to the song, and I see another driver pull up next to me, I usually try to maintain the sing-along without moving my mouth. Because, hey, I can't be looking stupid, and this is the best part of Bohemian Rhapsody.

-How many goodbyes are required in a phone conversation? It's actually pretty ridiculous. There's the “Ok well I'll talk to you later.”
“Ok, see you.”
“Ok, bye.”
If you think about it, it should really be done like in the movies: “I'm picking up KFC on the way home.” (click)

-I'd be a lot better off if it were physically possible to have someone go pee for me. It's really a big inconvenience. The bathroom just seems so far away. “Hey could you do me a favor and go pee for me? No, I can't just 'do it myself '. I'm doing guitar hero on 'expert'!”

-Have you ever faked a phone call to get out of an awkward situation? Well I have. It's actually really easy. All you need is a cell phone and lies. A lot of lies.

-Segways are not cool. They have never been cool. They will never be cool. And as for segway cops? I wouldn't hesitate to walk past one and mumble something about smelling bacon, then see how threatening they looked trying to run me down.

-When I was a kid, whenever I was lucky enough to be the one to stop at a gas station with one of my parents, they would always let me pick a treat. If Spenny wasn't there, they'd say, "Make sure to pick one out for your brother." I took advantage of this every time, and intentionally chose something I knew Spenny hated. When I got home, I would make an empty notion, offering the treat to him. Like always, and just as I had anticipated, he would see what the treat was and say "That's alright, you can have it." I love it when a plan comes together.

-I hate when I'm in a public setting and I do one of those "sniff" laughs, and sometimes snot shoots out of my nose. The first thing I do following that is look around to make sure nobody saw. Then I graze the back of my hand across my face to make sure there's no remnants of laugh-snot. How embarrassing.

-I wonder how much they pay the guy who composes the music for the show "How it's made?" Have you ever tried paying attention to it? It's like a series of arbitrary octave jumps of electronic beeps and some echo-y percussion. There's got to be zero personality behind that music. I like to picture a portly 35 year-old who lives in his Grandma's basement, just laying down sweet tracks for the show, on his 1985 Casio.

-Sometimes, when I make Sandwiches and Sam isn't around, I just wipe off the knife I used to apply mayo and put it back in the drawer. It doesn't look like it needs to be washed.

-There was an arguement outside my work yesterday. Nothing interesting happened.

-Whenever we were kids and we got happy meals, they always gave Spenny and me the same toys. At some point, mine would get scratched or broken. I would almost always promptly sneak into his room and switch the toys.

-I bought a handfull of hot tamales out of the candy machine at work today. One of them was really stale and was difficult to chew. I chewed, and chewed. I even kept on working at it. I finally got tired and spat it out. I didn't say this story was going anywhere.

-In the first grade we used to have to do these assignments where we would fold a paper into fourths, then write a word, and draw a picture of it in each square. Eventually, it grew stale and I distinctly remember folding my blank piece of paper, then setting it on my desk and writing "turn over" on it. The teacher never knew, and I felt pretty good about it.

-I think a better way to have made the Benjamin Button movie would be to just make Brad Pitt a russian doll. Every year, a smaller Brad Pitt just climbs out. Maybe then it would have been a couple hours shorter.


If you have stumbled, been referred, or just have no idea what to do with your free time, this is a collection of random thoughts. Feel free to chime in, and comment. Shut up, I didn't say this would be interesting.

Love you,