I received this email from my Brother, Tyler. It is of the caliber of pure awesomeness, and, I had to share:
**************************************************************
So...
I just got back from shopping at Reams and Val forgot something so James and I were waiting at the front of the store. This down syndrome handicapped guy who was collecting carts comes up to us and starts talking to us and asked what we were doing:
Me: We're waiting for my wife
DSG(Down Syndrome Guy): Oh, waiting huh
Me: Yep, just waiting for her to get something we forgot.
DSG: Maybe she's not coming, maybe I ate her...(grabbing his belly after pretending to eat something and making that sound toby used to make when he inhaled a piece of bread).
Me: Yep, maybe.
DSG: Oh, no, my belly is full, ug!, I'm so full, I'm going to throw up...Here I go, I'm puking up the bones...(makes puking noise)...Oh man, that's a fatality on Mortal Combat...
Me: Yup...
The End
"That just happened." No Lie.
-Ty
Shut up. I didn't say this would be interesting.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Brain lint 11/1/09
The Michelina's 99-cent microwave dinners must end. I have officially tried all of them. Most taste like a terrible crime was done to nature, then packaged in a little box, that smells like a baked rubber band when you heat it up. What food, other than this stuff, can you take a bite of and immediately regret your decision? As soon as you swallow it you think "That wasn't quite...right." Any of them containing meat, have offended me above all others. Especially the "science project" they call Swedish meatballs and noodles. Every time I go against my better judgment and eat one of these "lunch alternative" meals, I feel like I need to go to the hospital, or talk to a therapist, for putting something in my body, that nature never intended to be created. It must end. In fact, I have one left- their version of Salisbury steak, and I don't think I'll eat it. In fact, I don't think I would even feed it to a stray dog.
Friday, October 23, 2009
Brain lint of the day 10/23
Is it wrong that I wait until the last second to pull the stop cord on the bus, because someone else, who needs the same stop, is going to pull it first? I don't think so. No, It's efficiency. If I touch that pull cord I have to wash my hands, which wouldn't be good because I would have already ritually washed my hands before leaving work, which would just make my hands dryer, which would just lead to them cracking and bleeding. And I can't have that, now can I?
Also, I might get the *Honk-a-virus from touching that filthy pull-cord.
*Honk-a-virus: contracted when shopping at Honk's dollar store in Logan . "Always an adventure, always one dollar."
Also, I might get the *Honk-a-virus from touching that filthy pull-cord.
*Honk-a-virus: contracted when shopping at Honk's dollar store in Logan . "Always an adventure, always one dollar."
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Brain lint 9/24/09
-When I ride the bus to work, I usually put my earphones in when someone starts talking to me and look deeply into my ipod as if I'm real focused on something. Lots of times they keep talking, but I don't look at them. They're crazy bus people.
-I used to watch music and the spoken word with my brothers solely so we could point out all the "pig nose" people.
-Some people get what I call fat head syndrome. John Travolta, Val kilmer, and Kurt Russel: all of them, fatheads.
-I saw a man with a mullet today. I've seen better.
-If I were Batman, the first thing I'd do is prank call Superman and destroy him emotionally.
-Whenever there's a kid sitting in front of me at church, sometimes I like to make really intense faces at them. Sometimes they get scared and say something to their Mom. She usually turns around but I just look up like I was listening intently. Then the feud is forever between me and that kid.
-Whenever my Mom wanted me to do chores, and I was playing a game, I would always use the age-old trick of "having to find a save point." It worked.
-I used to watch music and the spoken word with my brothers solely so we could point out all the "pig nose" people.
-Some people get what I call fat head syndrome. John Travolta, Val kilmer, and Kurt Russel: all of them, fatheads.
-I saw a man with a mullet today. I've seen better.
-If I were Batman, the first thing I'd do is prank call Superman and destroy him emotionally.
-Whenever there's a kid sitting in front of me at church, sometimes I like to make really intense faces at them. Sometimes they get scared and say something to their Mom. She usually turns around but I just look up like I was listening intently. Then the feud is forever between me and that kid.
-Whenever my Mom wanted me to do chores, and I was playing a game, I would always use the age-old trick of "having to find a save point." It worked.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Found this
Apparently, me and Spenny had a "club" journal.
Above is Spenny's submission. Ken was a cool name back then. Most likely because of Street Fighter.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
9 year-old brain lint
Today, in church, one of the 9 year-old girls in our primary class randomly chimed in, that "Kindergartners have good facts." After inquiring further, she concluded, in a very matter-of-fact tone, that "They can't lie!" Apparently, the hierarchy of leadership between grades, in elementary school, has drastically changed since I was there.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
From the journal: 10/16/2006
(From a text message to Sam)
Hi Samantha, guess what? In psychology today, we took an intelligence test, by drawing a picture of a human, and turning it in. We were graded on proportion, dimensional accuracy, and logic (joints and things like that). I failed the test, because I drew a skeleton in a tuxedo...But it's ok, he said that just means I'm creative. And not smart.
Hi Samantha, guess what? In psychology today, we took an intelligence test, by drawing a picture of a human, and turning it in. We were graded on proportion, dimensional accuracy, and logic (joints and things like that). I failed the test, because I drew a skeleton in a tuxedo...But it's ok, he said that just means I'm creative. And not smart.
Friday, September 11, 2009
September brain lint
-Anytime I meet someone new, I'm so self-conscious and worried about if I look like a moron, that I completely and utterly block out when they tell me their name. It's gonna take a few more meetings to remember who you are. Sorry, blank-face.
-Whenever I'm driving in the car alone, singing along to the song, and I see another driver pull up next to me, I usually try to maintain the sing-along without moving my mouth. Because, hey, I can't be looking stupid, and this is the best part of Bohemian Rhapsody.
-How many goodbyes are required in a phone conversation? It's actually pretty ridiculous. There's the “Ok well I'll talk to you later.”
“Ok, see you.”
“Ok, bye.”
“Bye.”
If you think about it, it should really be done like in the movies: “I'm picking up KFC on the way home.”(click)
-I'd be a lot better off if it were physically possible to have someone go pee for me. It's really a big inconvenience. The bathroom just seems so far away. “Hey could you do me a favor and go pee for me? No, I can't just 'do it myself '. I'm doing guitar hero on 'expert'!”
-Have you ever faked a phone call to get out of an awkward situation? Well I have. It's actually really easy. All you need is a cell phone and lies. A lot of lies.
-Segways are not cool. They have never been cool. They will never be cool. And as for segway cops? I wouldn't hesitate to walk past one and mumble something about smelling bacon, then see how threatening they looked trying to run me down.
-When I was a kid, whenever I was lucky enough to be the one to stop at a gas station with one of my parents, they would always let me pick a treat. If Spenny wasn't there, they'd say, "Make sure to pick one out for your brother." I took advantage of this every time, and intentionally chose something I knew Spenny hated. When I got home, I would make an empty notion, offering the treat to him. Like always, and just as I had anticipated, he would see what the treat was and say "That's alright, you can have it." I love it when a plan comes together.
-I hate when I'm in a public setting and I do one of those "sniff" laughs, and sometimes snot shoots out of my nose. The first thing I do following that is look around to make sure nobody saw. Then I graze the back of my hand across my face to make sure there's no remnants of laugh-snot. How embarrassing.
-I wonder how much they pay the guy who composes the music for the show "How it's made?" Have you ever tried paying attention to it? It's like a series of arbitrary octave jumps of electronic beeps and some echo-y percussion. There's got to be zero personality behind that music. I like to picture a portly 35 year-old who lives in his Grandma's basement, just laying down sweet tracks for the show, on his 1985 Casio.
-Whenever I'm driving in the car alone, singing along to the song, and I see another driver pull up next to me, I usually try to maintain the sing-along without moving my mouth. Because, hey, I can't be looking stupid, and this is the best part of Bohemian Rhapsody.
-How many goodbyes are required in a phone conversation? It's actually pretty ridiculous. There's the “Ok well I'll talk to you later.”
“Ok, see you.”
“Ok, bye.”
“Bye.”
If you think about it, it should really be done like in the movies: “I'm picking up KFC on the way home.”
-I'd be a lot better off if it were physically possible to have someone go pee for me. It's really a big inconvenience. The bathroom just seems so far away. “Hey could you do me a favor and go pee for me? No, I can't just 'do it myself '. I'm doing guitar hero on 'expert'!”
-Have you ever faked a phone call to get out of an awkward situation? Well I have. It's actually really easy. All you need is a cell phone and lies. A lot of lies.
-Segways are not cool. They have never been cool. They will never be cool. And as for segway cops? I wouldn't hesitate to walk past one and mumble something about smelling bacon, then see how threatening they looked trying to run me down.
-When I was a kid, whenever I was lucky enough to be the one to stop at a gas station with one of my parents, they would always let me pick a treat. If Spenny wasn't there, they'd say, "Make sure to pick one out for your brother." I took advantage of this every time, and intentionally chose something I knew Spenny hated. When I got home, I would make an empty notion, offering the treat to him. Like always, and just as I had anticipated, he would see what the treat was and say "That's alright, you can have it." I love it when a plan comes together.
-I hate when I'm in a public setting and I do one of those "sniff" laughs, and sometimes snot shoots out of my nose. The first thing I do following that is look around to make sure nobody saw. Then I graze the back of my hand across my face to make sure there's no remnants of laugh-snot. How embarrassing.
-I wonder how much they pay the guy who composes the music for the show "How it's made?" Have you ever tried paying attention to it? It's like a series of arbitrary octave jumps of electronic beeps and some echo-y percussion. There's got to be zero personality behind that music. I like to picture a portly 35 year-old who lives in his Grandma's basement, just laying down sweet tracks for the show, on his 1985 Casio.
-Sometimes, when I make Sandwiches and Sam isn't around, I just wipe off the knife I used to apply mayo and put it back in the drawer. It doesn't look like it needs to be washed.
-There was an arguement outside my work yesterday. Nothing interesting happened.
-Whenever we were kids and we got happy meals, they always gave Spenny and me the same toys. At some point, mine would get scratched or broken. I would almost always promptly sneak into his room and switch the toys.
-I bought a handfull of hot tamales out of the candy machine at work today. One of them was really stale and was difficult to chew. I chewed, and chewed. I even kept on working at it. I finally got tired and spat it out. I didn't say this story was going anywhere.
-In the first grade we used to have to do these assignments where we would fold a paper into fourths, then write a word, and draw a picture of it in each square. Eventually, it grew stale and I distinctly remember folding my blank piece of paper, then setting it on my desk and writing "turn over" on it. The teacher never knew, and I felt pretty good about it.
-I think a better way to have made the Benjamin Button movie would be to just make Brad Pitt a russian doll. Every year, a smaller Brad Pitt just climbs out. Maybe then it would have been a couple hours shorter.
Welcome
If you have stumbled, been referred, or just have no idea what to do with your free time, this is a collection of random thoughts. Feel free to chime in, and comment. Shut up, I didn't say this would be interesting.
Love you,
C
Love you,
C
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