Maximus cellulus tossulus: Russel Crowe's untold story from the set of "Gladiator"

Russell wiped a bit of fake blood from the corner of his mouth. Sweat pouring down his brow, he glared at the man opposing him. That amateur had ruined his finest scene for the last time. His teeth gnashed, his lazy eye listed a little more lazily to the right, and he swept up the set telephone into his hands. Throwing it with unbridled fury, he struck Jeremy, the actor set to play the enemy gladiator, square in the teeth. Mustering a victory cry, Russell executed his scripted line perfectly: "Are you not entertained??"

"Pucker up, buttercup"

Yesterday I had the unbearable desire for something sweet. I hadn't had time to go shopping over the weekend, and I was right in the middle of some Netflix time, so I ate a few more chewable vitamin C tablets.

Do not want.

Today I was reading in my textbook for school, which I have utter distain for. I realized how much I dislike this class and this book at the exact same time that I realized I needed to blow or pick my nose- there were no tissues nearby.

Happy dead-laden day

I really enjoy when, instead of feeding dangerous terrorists Doritos, we decide to send in a crap-load of Navy SEALS to light the place up and kill the smarmy terrorists. Go America.

The computer for Women

You may think that since I keep posting videos, my creative powers are dwindling and I'm simply using YouTube as a cop-out. You may think that, but you'd be wrong. Probably. Here's a video for you to watch while I don't think of witty things to write.

I got nothin...

So here's a random video:

How not to make bread

According to the 80's "a lot of brown bread is just white bread colored brown." This is the most epic bread-making experience the world has seen to date. Be warned: hair may self-perm after watching.

Shepard Smith: News Anchor/Alien

After careful consideration, I've come to the conclusion that Shepard Smith, Fox News Channel anchor, is, in fact, an alien. Why do you ask? That's a perfectly valid question, Jeremy. Most notable, of course, is the fact that his eyes have drifted apart over the years, and continue to do so exponentially. I call this "The Uma Thurman Effect." Also, his hairline. Sometimes he's a spry, 28 year-old anchor, ready to grab the news by the horns. Other times, he's a haggard, 47 year-old who looks like he's reported one too many stories. Just wait for the day when he bursts out of his human skin, mandibles twitching, and spews poisonous bile all over his camera crew. You can just email the "You were right, Christian" notes to me. That would be just fine.

What I think frozen dinner packaging should look like...

Bump-it? What the shell, Leo?

When I see a girl like this, I don't think "Hey, it's one of those new hair accessories, the Bump-it! What a great way to give volume to one's hair and be pretty and stuff!" No, I don't think that. What I do think is "Hey, I wonder if that girl knows that she has a goiter on the top of her head, and that it's probably filling with more fluid every day, thereby inflating the size of her head. Maybe she should cover it with more hair? Yeah, that'll conceal it more.

Oh, and sorry if this girl is you. If it is, you should probably be draining that thing with a syringe or something right now, shouldn't you?

Brew Harrysnore

Many of you think Drew Barrymore is attractive. You'd be wrong though; she's totally not. In fact, her face looks like the face of a Barbie doll that Kevin, from shop class, took a hot soldering iron to. I'm pretty sure her witch chin could impale a wild boar. Luckily for her, she can eat that boar simply by using her (no doubt) hidden mandibles and shoveling it in. (Think predator.)

**Note** It has been mentioned that I omitted the highly obnoxious manner in which Drew Barrymore speaks. If you haven't seen it, just picture that someone has latched a fishing hook onto the lower corner of her lip and continues to tug it whenever she talks. By age 50, you can expect a full-on Sylvester Stallone.

New Idea

The Wii is a great thing. Great product, great fun, great ad campaign. So why not add to the impressive repertoire of accessories for the Wii? With such titles as "Wii Play," and "Wii Fit," why not make a two-seater toilet and call it "Wii S***." I know you many of you disapprove, but deep down in your Wii hearts, you think it's just a little bit funny.




Also, I found out someone else on the internets beat me to this idea. So, apparently there is a lot of demand for this peripheral in the market.