-Whenever I'm driving in the car alone, singing along to the song, and I see another driver pull up next to me, I usually try to maintain the sing-along without moving my mouth. Because, hey, I can't be looking stupid, and this is the best part of Bohemian Rhapsody.
-How many goodbyes are required in a phone conversation? It's actually pretty ridiculous. There's the “Ok well I'll talk to you later.”
“Ok, see you.”
If you think about it, it should really be done like in the movies: “I'm picking up KFC on the way home.”
-I'd be a lot better off if it were physically possible to have someone go pee for me. It's really a big inconvenience. The bathroom just seems so far away. “Hey could you do me a favor and go pee for me? No, I can't just 'do it myself '. I'm doing guitar hero on 'expert'!”
-Have you ever faked a phone call to get out of an awkward situation? Well I have. It's actually really easy. All you need is a cell phone and lies. A lot of lies.
-Segways are not cool. They have never been cool. They will never be cool. And as for segway cops? I wouldn't hesitate to walk past one and mumble something about smelling bacon, then see how threatening they looked trying to run me down.
-When I was a kid, whenever I was lucky enough to be the one to stop at a gas station with one of my parents, they would always let me pick a treat. If Spenny wasn't there, they'd say, "Make sure to pick one out for your brother." I took advantage of this every time, and intentionally chose something I knew Spenny hated. When I got home, I would make an empty notion, offering the treat to him. Like always, and just as I had anticipated, he would see what the treat was and say "That's alright, you can have it." I love it when a plan comes together.
-I hate when I'm in a public setting and I do one of those "sniff" laughs, and sometimes snot shoots out of my nose. The first thing I do following that is look around to make sure nobody saw. Then I graze the back of my hand across my face to make sure there's no remnants of laugh-snot. How embarrassing.
-I wonder how much they pay the guy who composes the music for the show "How it's made?" Have you ever tried paying attention to it? It's like a series of arbitrary octave jumps of electronic beeps and some echo-y percussion. There's got to be zero personality behind that music. I like to picture a portly 35 year-old who lives in his Grandma's basement, just laying down sweet tracks for the show, on his 1985 Casio.
-Sometimes, when I make Sandwiches and Sam isn't around, I just wipe off the knife I used to apply mayo and put it back in the drawer. It doesn't look like it needs to be washed.
-There was an arguement outside my work yesterday. Nothing interesting happened.
-Whenever we were kids and we got happy meals, they always gave Spenny and me the same toys. At some point, mine would get scratched or broken. I would almost always promptly sneak into his room and switch the toys.
-I bought a handfull of hot tamales out of the candy machine at work today. One of them was really stale and was difficult to chew. I chewed, and chewed. I even kept on working at it. I finally got tired and spat it out. I didn't say this story was going anywhere.
-In the first grade we used to have to do these assignments where we would fold a paper into fourths, then write a word, and draw a picture of it in each square. Eventually, it grew stale and I distinctly remember folding my blank piece of paper, then setting it on my desk and writing "turn over" on it. The teacher never knew, and I felt pretty good about it.
-I think a better way to have made the Benjamin Button movie would be to just make Brad Pitt a russian doll. Every year, a smaller Brad Pitt just climbs out. Maybe then it would have been a couple hours shorter.