Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Just an update for you...

Just so you know, a new bus smell is NOT the same as a new car smell. It makes my stomach want to implode.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Loading...Loading....Wait for it....


My Wife says that my brain runs on dial-up. Asking me a question is like submitting your query, then waiting an absurd amount of time for a response. Maybe she's right, and maybe it's my passive aggressive ploy to convince her that we need to buy an external hard drive. Relevant to this post? Absolutely not. Something I want? Shell yes, Leo.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Catalog Brain Lint


Today I have a real gem. This is the kind of crap you can, apparently, find in a "Plus size living" Magazine. So be prepared... Do you ever find yourself too fat to pull your own pants up? Have you ever been in a situation where you just can't reach down and dress yourself? If you answered yes to one or more of these questions, this product may be for you.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

That's the sound of crickets, see.

A good way to insult someone without him knowing it, would be to talk him up for 6 months, or so, and make him think he's a pretty funny guy. You laugh at all of his jokes, but really, all along, you are plotting. Then what you do is get him a gig at a stand up place, and pay the entire audience not to laugh at anything he says. You will want to make sure that you are a person who has a lot of money; If you're not, this plan may not work for you. During his show, he'll probably be thinking he would rather take a dirt nap than face these people, and you'll be up in the opera box enjoying your Jujyfruits.

Tuesday, September 28, 2010

Accio Brain Lint!

I was taking my end-of-chapter test in my textbook today, when I noticed that someone had written the answers in already. To me, this was a lot like "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince." Except in that book, all the answers were perfectly correct, and, according to the test results, whoever wrote in mine was a complete tard.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Sam's Club

Samantha says that I'm like a tornado, because I come in and disrupt when she is trying to do homework. But I disagree. I don't think that going in there, pretending like I'm a mime, and trying to search out her candy stash, isn't anything like a tornado.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Socks to be me


I always tell Samantha that the socks she wears are for babies. She always thinks I'm full of crap. Today I'll demonstrate that the size of her socks is significantly smaller than mine. See that? Baby socks. And yes, I really did put socks into the scanner.

Wednesday, September 1, 2010

Common Sense, and Sensibility

Today, Sam told me that I sometimes have a lack of common sense. I sputtered off in a rant of objection. However, the whole time, I couldn't help but remember how I frequently put the cereal in the refrigerator, and the milk in the cupboard.

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Brain lint 8/24/10

When I want to feel like I've won something, I like to put a 20 into the vending machine at work. Sure, everyone in the break room looks at me while the quarters fly, but deep down, they just want to be winners, too. So I just let them look.

Note: This is the top most satisfying thing I do at work, next to using the COPY stamp, and pressing the START button on the fax machine.

The doctors will say it's a "Curious Case."


I have come to the conclusion, that when I check out, my death will be sure to arouse suspicion and intrigue. I have also come to the conclusion, that the medical staff who performs my autopsy will find that the cause of my death could very well be attributed to the 3 hour sitting in which I watched Benjamin Button. I don't know why, but I'm pretty sure there's a smooth spot in my brain where there should be "smart" wrinkles. I could be wrong about all of this, but I'm pretty sure I'm not.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Brain lint - 8/3/10

I realized how tired I was today when I got home, and attempted to open my front door with the remote control to my car. *facepalm*

Sunday, August 1, 2010

Brain Lint-Habits

I believe in using the knife I cut cheese with to also apply mayo and mustard to my sandwich. I also believe in never dirtying more knives than I'm willing to clean later on.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Brain Lint- Celebrity American Idol

I think it would be a good idea to have celebrities try out for American Idol. I sure would like to see Stephen Hawking roll* in and have Simon tell him he's "a bit pitchy."




*Pun intended

"Not to fifty!"

I bought a new xbox, which is good, because whenever I used to put a disc in my old xbox, it sounded like the dude in princess bride, when they hooked him up to the torture machine.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Brain lint 7/6/10 -A good job interview question to ask a potential employee

You come upon a clown, who is sad. He has pie strewn across his face. Clearly, he has been the butt of what has long since been his own joke, played on unsuspecting circus-goers. Do you,
A: Console him by singing a clown-lullaby
B: Laugh, as most people surely would, at the sheer irony of it all, or
C: offer a novelty clown-handkerchief, to the clown, who begins to wipe the pie remains off his face, only to reveal that it is a gag handkerchief, and squirts ink, to your utter delight, and his dismay?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Brain lint 5/12/10

Today I was given a pack of "Trident Layers" gum. I realized after my third piece in three minutes that I should stay away from gum that tasty, as I am physically incapable of chewing that gum without completely eating it. My tummy hurts now.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Brain lint 5/11/10

Whenever I notice a dude strutting, I also notice the fact that a strut is kind of like a man just dancing by himself. Unless of course, that man has scoliosis.

Brain lint 5/11/10

Today, at work, I realized that my favorite part of the day is when I get to make a copy of something and stamp it with the copy stamp...that says "copy." ...It's really satisfying.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Brain lint 4/28/10

Today, I was watching the discovery channel on TV and wanted my wife to see, so I called her on the phone from the other room because she couldn't hear me yelling for her, and I didn't want to get up. Also, that wasn't the first time I've called her on the phone from the next room. Yes, seriously.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Brain lint 4/21/10

Today, at work, I spent a good ten minutes explaining to a customer what an apostrophe was, after they attempted describing to me what they thought was "An upside-down comma that you put on the top of the word." If people get any dumber, I may have to defect to another planet.

Sunday, April 18, 2010

Brain lint 4/18/10

I noticed that whenever I have to go to Dictionary.com to look up a word, I have to clear my browsing history. If someone saw all those cookies of words I have looked up, they'd think I'm pretty freaking stupid. Of course I know what ubiquitous means...

Friday, March 26, 2010

Brain lint 3/26/10

When I was going to grade school, I had two types of friends: school friends, and take home friends. It's pretty self explanatory, because the school friends just weren't the kind I wanted to take home.

Friday, March 12, 2010

Chinese food

A few years ago, Sam and I were ordering Chinese food, and when they asked what name to put it under, she told them Loveless. (We weren't yet married at the time) When we came to pick up the food, we told them the them it was under, and the Chinese man behind the counter got a really confused look on his face, and said "Ruvress? Why... you... cohw yoursef... Ruvress? Nobody rike you?"

Monday, March 8, 2010

Retro brain lint 3/8/10

One time, when we were kids, we were watching the movie "Twister." During one scene, you see some cows get swept up by the tornado. Spenny freaked out, and when we started to make fun he exclaimed, with much angst, "I CARE ABOUT THE WORLD!!!" We've since added that to the list of Spenny's classic one-liners. He really did go through an animal stage, as evident by his "Lion King" action figures. I love the 90's.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Brain lint 2/23/10

Whenever someone is sitting on a bean bag, and that person holds out his or her hands for you to pull them up, something I really enjoy doing is pulling that person up until, at the last moment, I let go. It makes me feel a lot like Scar, from The Lion King. Except, instead of falling to his or her death, the person just falls back into the soft, plush, bag of manufactured beans. So really, it's a win-win situation that everyone gets a laugh out of. Unless that person had an injured back, in which case, I don't care because you shouldn't have sat in the bean bag with a sore back, anyway, jerk.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Brain lint of the day 2/10/10

I think that if a clown were ever forced into going in for a financial counseling session, it would play out something like this:

(Financial counseler is to be represented as FC, and clown as C)

FC: "So according to your financial statement, you spend over 500 dollars a month on balloons."

C: "Yes."

FC: "You cite those purchases as business expenses. Am I to understand these balloons are part of your act, therefore a necessary expenditure for your source of income?"

C: "Yes."

FC: "Well here's my concern: It states here, you make these large purchases on balloons, but with every paycheck you earn- now correct me if I'm wrong- you buy...more balloons."

C: "That's right."

FC: "Wouldn't the appropriate thing be to allocate that income to, say, bills, and other cost-of-living expenses?"

C: "But I'm a clown."

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Brain lint of the day 2/6/10


Grocery shopping on Super Bowl weekend always reminds me why people, in general, really annoy me. I don't know what it is. Maybe it's the people who butt in line. It could be the moron's who can't count (or just think their time is more valuable than mine) who bring a shopping cart, full enough to feed the survivors of the apocalypse, into the "10 items or less" lane. Or perhaps it's the guy who refuses to have his groceries bagged in anything but his homemade, canvas, recyclable "totes," holding up the line, because he thinks he's Captain Planet.

Wednesday, February 3, 2010

Brain lint of the day 2/3/10

I hate when someone tries to cough into his or her hand, but rather than making the cupping formation as with the sneeze, they think that making a fist and aiming the cough in the middle of that shape somehow solves the problem. What is that? What are they even doing?

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Brain lint of the day

Some people's names make me think of very specific things. For instance, if your name is Ian, I'm thinking of a rusty, blue dragon. Just a compliment for you, there.